Maybe...

Oh God, I don't know why recently I really wish for a someone. I doubt myself a lot. I know it is not a very good reason to wish for a someone just so that I feel good about myself. Maybe that's why you ignored my plea to have that special someone. Or maybe you are training me to love myself more before hoping to be loved? Oh God I am tired. I really don't know how to love myself. Whenever I looked into the mirror I am disgusted. I hate my eye. I know I should be grateful I am not blind and that I am still capable of doing a lot of things. However, oh God...you knew how much hurt I felt all those years.  I can't make proper eye contact. It hurts when people don't even know I am actually looking or talking to them. It hurts whenever I try to act confident. It hurts just to be me. I can be me when somehow I just forgot about my eye and that's when I felt really happy but such moments are only possible with friends who knew me already. It's not possible with new friends and surroundings. Internship is getting near and I will have to face those nasty days alone AGAIN. I really don't want to feel that way anymore. Negative thoughts haunting me again. Why not I just die? I don't want to see the way people look at me. I don't want! I want to go for surgery and correct my eye although the chance of complete correction is low...most people needs more surgeries to properly correct this condition. Apart from financial constraints, I don't get support from families. Nobody can accompany for surgery. The one I intended to go is in KL. The suggested period for stay is minimum 4days. I don't have such long holiday anymore not until end of the year. :( I don't want to remember about my eye. I don't want to let it distract me when I have to study for finals. I felt like shit!!! Sigh this had been going on for so long...can I just die? T.T